Friday, November 21, 2008

The Zimmerman Telegram

A round-up of the week's news with Zach Zimmerman '10.

USG elections process under question

The USG is looking to change its online election system so that officials won’t be able to change votes without leaving a trace. This comes as a major blow to the Elections Officers who have enjoyed rigging votes for the past 10 years.

U. debuts TigerPay billing system

The University unveiled a new online bill-pay system designed to increase convenience and sustainability. Students are, however, still required to bring two signed copies of their SCORE Course Worksheet to West College to rescind a Pass/D/Fail.

PriCom to alter budget to offset aid

The Priorities Committee (PriCom) held its annual town hall meeting where financial aid was a major topic of discussion. Not on the agenda was a proposal to consider an alternative abbreviation that does not sound like the fluid that comes out a penis before ejaculation.

USG attempts to move forward with library plans

The USG continued its efforts to extend Firestone Library hours despite the Executive VP’s assertion that it would be unlikely. However, Dillon Gym hours will be further extended to 24/7 and feature live music every Friday night.

Chaplains address religious views of marriage and sex

In summary: Get married, then have sex.

PAWS in action

Students in Princeton Animal Welfare Society held a human barbecue on the south lawn of Frist holding up “Meat is Murder” signs. Meanwhile, an unrelated student group held up “Stabbing your wife in the back and burying her body in the backyard saying ‘Take that, bitch!’ while licking her blood off your fingers is Murder” signs. Both were accurate.

Two alums tapped for Obama staff

Lisa Brown ’82 was named Obama’s new staff secretary and Christopher Lu ’88 will serve as his cabinet secretary. Of course, Cottage Club will continue to be on tap this Saturday with the tears of McCain supporters.

Russel calls for more funding

Dean of the Graduate School William Russel filed a report asking for more funding since grad students are struggling financially. Beers at the D-bar now cost $2.

Klaus: Survey to help decide potential dorm reallocation

The University does not plan to make any decisions regarding allocating more dorms for use by the four-year residential colleges until after a campus-wide survey. Of course, Assistant Vice President for Facilities Klaus has a particular interest in relocating the dorms since he must travel down each of their chimneys annually.

Alums propose Asian-American Studies program

Alumni are pressuring the University to create an Asian-American Students program; however, professors in the African-American Studies program firmly oppose it since what would their acronym be.

To Do:

The Theatre and Dance Department is staging two Greek tragedies in an event entitled Troy: After and Before. I arrived late so I saw Before before I saw After since I came in after After had finished. So after Before, I went back before Before and saw After. Sorry, that wasn’t a very good Troy story.

Worst Week Ever:

It was a bad week for homeless, freshmen meat-eaters.

....Maybe next week!

4 comments:

Princeton said...

BRILLIANT.

Ben Chen said...

Zach...
This rocks! I hope it's a weekly thing.

Anonymous said...

great
hope to see more

Mary Reid said...

very funny. I like this.