Princeton volunteers bring hot breakfasts to deprived Harvardians

The 'Prince' receives a lot of press releases on a daily basis, but this one, from humor magazine The Princeton Tiger, stood out as rather unusual.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FROM THE PRINCETON TIGER:

BOSTON – This is the time of year when it is traditional to give thanks for one's blessings and reach out to those in need. Friday morning of Fall Break, emissaries from Princeton University tapped into the spirit of the season early when they dispensed hot oatmeal to students in and around Harvard Yard. After losing 27% of its endowment, Harvard had ceased serving hot breakfasts to its students as a cost-saving measure.

The volunteers, all students belonging to Princeton’s humor magazine, The Princeton Tiger, used their fall recess to drive to Cambridge in order to help their less fortunate peers. “Everyone’s hurting in this economy,” said Steven Liss, Chairman of The Tiger. “But Harvard’s endowment shrunk from $37 billion to scarcely $26 billion– they’ve lost more than anyone in these tough times.” A Massachusetts native, Liss cited concern over the coming winter. “Harvard’s our rival, but we hate to think of them having to get by on only continental breakfasts. How can we enjoy our omelets when they have to clutch croissants in shivering hands, too weak to lift the cantaloupe from their plates? It’s just not decent!”

Though The Tiger is a humor magazine, Liss denied Princeton’s actions were in any way a prank, instead describing them in terms of a humanitarian intervention. “There’s more than warm oatmeal in those paper cups,” Liss said. “There’s cinnamon. Even more importantly, there’s compassion and hope."

Not all Harvard students were grateful for Princeton's help. Upon learning of Princeton's mission of mercy, many Harvard students plotted via their residential college email lists to interfere with the aid workers. Several students planned on drenching Princeton's volunteers with water guns. Another suggested using "what little hot breakfast we have (oatmeal, etc) as ammo against them. or just throw muffins. or tackle them. Honestly these kids have no idea what's coming."

Fortunately, Princeton had access to the Harvard email lists and chose a new, safe location in Harvard Yard where the volunteers were able to ladle oatmeal in peace before donating extra boxes of oatmeal to a local shelter. Though many students were grateful to see a warm meal and friendly faces, others raged via email. "It's exceedingly pitiful that Princeton, of all god-forsaken places, can muster the cohesion and joie de vivre to get enough kids to another school's campus to both make a prank and film it, and we can't do shit about it," said a student living in the Radcliffe Quadrangle. "This is why Harvard sucks."