Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Yee Haw!

Welcome to the first "real" post for SATS this year! Thanks to those who've sent their questions in, and keep them coming! Now, let's get down to business....

Can we see some photos please?

Of me? Well, the picture to the left is me, but as for more photos, that’ll have to be a negative. Isn’t everything sexier with a little mystery? ;)

My bf wants me to get on top during sex, but I feel awkward “up there”. Any tips?

Surprisingly, many women feel this kind of “performance anxiety” while in the Cowgirl or Reverse Cowgirl positions. Unlike the Missionary position, you have to take a more active, dominant role and for some, that can be intimidating. In my experience, pretty much all men love it when a woman just crawls on top and takes charge of the situation, and I’d say that it’s pretty difficult to fuck it up (no pun intended). Remember, your boyfriend wants you to do this, so you’re already halfway there. Just relax and get in a sexy mindset. Embrace the amount of control you’ve been given, and look at him as though you’re about to give him the ride of his life. Chances are, he finds you very attractive and quite sexy, so let go of any insecurities you have about what you look like from that angle and just give it to him! Start off with a gentle back and forth motion with your hips, and use your hands to explore his chest or play with his nipples if he likes that. Don’t jump up and down like a frog, it’s one of those things from porn that looks better than it actually feels. When you’re more comfortable, try sinking down and rolling your hips in circles to give him a different sensation. Most importantly, have fun with yourself. Play with your breasts, or rub your clit…give him a show to watch! Just take a chance. If something feels uncomfortable for him or turns him off, he’ll likely let you know, but 99% of the time, if you’re enjoying yourself up there, so will he.

I’ve been dating this girl for about 3 months, and we’ve been having sex for about 2 months pretty regularly. I like her, but she’s a bit of a “dead fish” in bed. At first I thought that it was just because things were new and she wasn’t totally comfortable yet, but now it looks like there’s no sign of change. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, and sometimes it’s hard to even stay aroused because she’s so unenthusiastic. What, if anything, can I do?

The heartless bitch inside of me wants to say “dump her”, but I know that that is probably not the answer you were looking for. Honestly though, sexual incompatibility is a big deal. If you are unsatisfied with your sexual relationship, over time the resentment and frustration can eat away at the other parts of the relationship, and that’s never good. That being said, no one goes into a relationship knowing exactly what the other person wants or needs sexually, so don’t expect her to be able to read your mind. It’s important for couples to be able to tell each other what they want in an honest but pressure free manner.

Now to ponder, what’s with the Dead Fish Syndrome? Well, there are a couple of possibilities that come to mind: 1) she was brought up to think of sex as a dirty or shameful act, and is uncomfortable with the fact that she’s even having sex at all, 2) she is insecure about her body or her abilities to please you, so she just opts out and lets you do all the work, or 3) she really isn’t enjoying it, so she’s just letting you get yours. I’m hoping it’s either #2 or 3 for your sake, because #1 cannot be fixed by anyone but her (and perhaps a therapist). If you are at all serious about continuing in this relationship, I encourage you to have an honest conversation with her. Don’t talk during or directly after a sexual encounter; pick a time and place where you two can be relaxed and away from nosy ears. At first, approach the situation as if the problem is #3. Ask her if she is satisfied with your sex life and if there is anything else that you can do in order to better please her. If she offers you suggestions, take them! Odds are though, she’ll say no, to which you can reply, “Ok, that’s good. But I’ve noticed that while we’re having sex, you don’t seem very into it, and it makes it hard for me to enjoy myself when it looks as though you’re indifferent to what’s going on.” Hopefully, that will produce some useful dialogue, but if she appears to be shutting down, don’t pressure her and just let it go for the moment. If you think it’s more likely that she is insecure about herself or her abilities, make an effort to help her feel as beautiful an wonderful as you think she is. Assuring her that she’s attractive and sexy to you or otherwise giving her genuine compliments before, during, and after sex may boost her confidence enough to make her feel better about taking a more active role. However, as I said earlier, if things don’t seem like they will be making a change for the better, have an honest conversation with yourself about whether you can handle this lack of sexual satisfaction or not.

If you have a question to ask me about sex and/or relationships, send me an email at or leave a comment (anonymous, if you wish!). All questions will be kept strictly confidential so don't be shy!


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