The Zimmerman Telegram
A round-up of the week's news with Zach Zimmerman
Kindles yet to woo University users
As part of a new sustainability pilot program, the University provided students in three courses with Kindles in order to complete their reading; however, early student reactions appear to be lukewarm. “Not to be a downer, but I’m really not a big fan of the Kindle,” said Bob Student ’10. “I much prefer some dried shrubs or small branches when I start a fire. So I really find it odd the University is providing an expensive piece of technology for me to warm my baked beans.” After several electrical sparks came from the device, Bob Student ’10 let out a heartfelt “Yippe-kay-yeah!” After learning he would have to return the Kindle at the end of the semester, however, Bob was noticeably silent, and offered the following insight: “Shit.”
U. announces members of eating club task force
Seven undergraduates were chosen this week to serve on a task force to examine the relationship between the University and the eating clubs. The undergraduates represent a diverse range of students, coming from sign-in clubs, Bicker clubs and four-year colleges. Luckily, however, no seniors were selected. I mean, really, what would someone who has been at the University three years, eaten in an eating club for more than two weeks and might even be an officer of an eating club have to add to a task force on University-eating club relations? Nothing. Exactly.
Turkish prime minister talks of a new world order
In a recent visit to campus, Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan spoke to students and faculty regarding the creation of a new world order. “McMahon has taken this company down the wrong road, and it’s time for a war,” the prime minister announced. “Macho Man Randy Savage wants the shake things up? We’ll shake things up! I challenge McMahon to choose his three best wrestlers for a battle-to-the-death match next Wednesday on pay-per-view. We’ll show him what rough really is!” The Prime Minster was then escorted out of Richardson Auditorium by two women dressed in bikinis. “AAGGGGGGGAGAHHHHHHHHHH,” he added.
Where have the ‘Big Figures’ gone?
The modern art piece ‘Big Figures’ was removed from in front of the Art Museum earlier this summer and returned to the Fishers, who had loaned the piece to the University. Of course, as President Tilghman’s most recent campus-wide e-mail reveals, those were not the only Big Figures that have left Princeton.
Cafe Viv cuts hours
Cafe Vivian has reduced its hours this year in an attempt to cut costs and respond to student demand. This reduces the number of places on campus where a student can buy a four-bite pizza at midnight for six friggin’ dollars to zero. Also, the number of salad bars with unusable, wooden tongs has been reduced to zero, and the number of super weird energy drinks when all you want is a goddamn Coke has been reduced to zero.
USG sends professors letter on grading
The USG recently sent a letter on grade deflation to all members of the Princeton faculty. The letter is reproduced below:
Worst week ever
It was a really bad week for Kate Siegel. She got the swine. I LOVE YOU!
--- Zach Zimmerman
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Zimmerman Telegram: Bring me a shrubbery
Saturday, April 11, 2009
The Zimmerman Telegram
A round-up of the week's news with Zach Zimmerman '10
Orange and blacked out
In the next installment in a series involving staged photos, terrible puns on "Orange and Black" (see "Black in the Orange Bubble"), and the reduction of a complicated issue to a 500-word article, the Princetonian tackled underage drinking this week. Orange you glad the Prince didn't make a shitty pun about orange and black?
Oh, wait, they did.
Admissions rate sparked heated debate online
Anonymous alums and punny people like "obvious" and "Hi, Mom!" got their undies in a bundle this week about the Admission Office's annual April decisions. After some intense investigative journalism, however, I find out why people were really upset about the 9.79% admissions rate: here.
Important New Change for the Class of 2013
Recognizing the unlucky nature of the class year for incoming freshmen, President Shirley Tilghman announced on Tuesday a bold change. "Just as skyscrapers don't have a 13th floor, and airplanes don't have a 13th row," she wrote, "neither will Princeton have a class of '13." When asked what how the University will differentiate between the '13-turned-'14s and the following year's '14s, she sternly replied, "In this economic situation, we're taking it one day at a time. So hold your horses, Zacho. Don't get your undies in a bundle."
"Tweeting" Tigers
More and more students and professors are using Twitter, so more and more Prince articles are being puvlished that reference one or two tweets. Center for Information Technology Policy associate director David Robinson ’04 provided some brilliant insight into whether professors should be allowed to use the service. “Obviously," he began, "if professors want to use Twitter or blogging or Morse code, the University should be totally fine with that. Even the staff who speak for the University as a whole should have room to experiment.”
Two questions:
1) Who the fuck uses Morse Code? What is this - the Pelican Brief?
2) Also: "experiment"? It's a networking website, not an unexpected encounter with someone outside of one's normal sexual population that may or may not end badly.
The Self-Thesis
The Street section, this week, took a look at students who write their theses on topics right under their nose...well, if there was a mirror under their nose so they could see themselves. Of course, if there's a mirror under your nose, I don't think writing your thesis is high up on your to-do list.
The titles of these theses (wordplay!) include "What I did Over my Summer Vacation" and "Thesis, my Ass!: The Gripping Tale of One Man's Asscheek against the World."
Worst Week Ever
It was a bad week for.... the guy who took this picture. Because he's about to get beat down.
1) Why is this guy (we'll call him Ralph) pouring a drink on top of the course guide? It looks like Ralph's already spilled some, and no one ever spills alcohol. Especially on the course guide.
2) A green sweater? It's mid-spring and it is too nice to be wearing long sleeves. Ralph knows better.
3) Microeconomic theory? Really? Everyone knows Ralph is an English major.
4) Where the fuck did he get that short glass from? The only glasses people use to drink are stolen from Whitman dining hall.
5) What's lurking in that upper right-hand corner of the shot? The all-knowing eye of God? The scornful stare of Public Safety? The enormous eyes of T.J. Eckleburg? Only a poorly positioned light source knows the answer.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Zimmerman Telegram
A round-up of the week's new with Zach Zimmerman '10
Steven Shonts ' 12 was charged this week with posessing an imitation firearm on campus. His charges also included scaring the hell out of a lot of people, not really affecting a lot of other people, and my friend Molly had to pay $.10 for that "goddamn text message."
Luckily though, in the end, no Shonts were fired.
After 80-minute delay, U. alerts campus to gun threat
The amount of time between the first report of the weapon and when the text message was sent clocks in at about eighty minutes, and has come under heavy criticism from the University community. I won't try to offer a theory on the delay, but I will say that eighty minutes is also the prep time for these deliciously indulgent butter tarts.
The Wilson School handed down its decisions for the sophomore class this week, causing heartaches and headaches. The application exists "because there were not enough resources to provide enough [support] for the number of applicants," Professor Stanley Katz said. "That fountain is only so big - and if we want every student to be able to dip their toes in come thesis time, we have to limit admission."
Senior class selects three finalists for YAT
Elizabeth Dilday, Maria Salciccioli and Josh Weinstein were announced Monday as the three finalists in a senior class competition for a new yacht. The decision to give a yacht to an undergraduate comes as one of the recommendations of the Alcohol Coalition Committee, so Dean Malkeil released a statement, "Gagglydee-dooo dah hah haHA! Weeeeddddlllupopo."
The Graduate School cast a wide net for applications this year, but have been facing some difficulties. So Jesus told the School, "Cast the net to the right side of the boat, and you will find some." So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in because there were so many graduate student applications.
A handful of Princeton professors ban laptop use during lecture in order to limit distraction and engage their audience. Finding a loophole in the restriction, Bill Student '10 has been bringing his desktop to class for years. "Suck on this one, Rosen! Oww - oh - hachacha. My back! Oh god! I think this is the big one-agh!"
While budget cuts won't affect cost or size of Reunions this year, the overall economic situation in the US will likely result in an increased level of shittardedness at the event.
USG members sign new code of ethics
The USG signed a new code of ethics this week that formalizes conduct during meetings, but does not include a clause regarding the president endorsing candidates. Despite the lack of a formal restriction, current USG President Diemand-Yauman said, “You guys couldn’t pay me enough to endorse a candidate." He will however accept bribes, such as getting him out of his legal trouble with the Borough, putting 1,00 fake signatures on ownwhatyouthink.com, or baking him up a batch of delicioulsy indulgent butter tarts.
Black in the Orangle Bubble
A very complex and nuanced racial experience was reduced to a pun this week. Next week, expect such stirring exposes as "Marriage debate tied in a knot" and "UndeRAGE drinking"
It was a really bad week for the kid with an Advent Calendar for Campus Club's opening.
Friday, January 9, 2009
The Zimmerman Telegram
A round-up of the week's events with Zach Zimmerman '10 
Endowment could fall 25 percent
Following Yale’s announcement that its endowment had fallen 25 percent, President Tilghman sent an e-mail to the University community regarding Princeton’s economic position. In the e-mail, she writes, “Yale has taken a bold step in letting its endowment drop 25 percent, and Princeton is proud to join them in this new and exciting initiative.” This comes in a long line of Princeton being the first to be second.
Wilson School Dean may go to State Department
Wilson School Dean Anne-Marie Slaughter ’80 will likely become the head of policy planning at the Department of State under Hilary Clinton. To do so she will step down as dean, and newspaper headlines across America will be mistaken for a John Grisham novel: Slaughter in the State Department.
Bond ’60 will not seek re-election to Senate
Senator Christopher “Kit” Bond ’60 announced this week he will not seek re-election in 2010. His colleagues on the Hill expressed that they will certainly miss him, but that they won’t miss hearing him introduce himself at parties as “Bond. Senator Bond.” Now, he’ll have to settle for “Bond. Kit Bond,” which just makes him sound like an jackass.
Of course, while Bond ’60 will not seek office, there are rumors M may seek a place in the House of Representations, and Pussy Galore is in talks to head up the Ways and Means Committee.
P-Rides student workers displaced
The University’s new TigerTransit system has eliminated the need for a student-driven P-Rides Express shuttle. Bob Johnson ’10, a rider who is disappointed about the decision, said “Man, I’m really gonna miss all the great awkward conversations I had and the faint echoes of Motown music on the van radio.”
Many other riders are also disappointed by the loss. No longer will students be able to be picked up by a white van with an unknown driver.
Unless they want some candy...
Escaped inmate apprehended
“Marc Harris, an inmate who escaped from a Montgomery Township facility Tuesday morning was caught early Thursday in Vineland, roughly 80 miles south of Princeton.” Unfortunately, my give-a-shit radius is set at 75 miles.
Alumnae in Service
The Prince ran a series on three prominent “alumnae in service” this week with current newsmakers Elena Kagan ’81, Meg Whitman ’77, and Lisa Jackson GS ’86. This marks the first time in Prince history that the photo above the fold has been related to the surrounding articles.
In lesser known news, an early morning printing error at the Prince made the first batch of papers look like the women's community service was for a different reason:
(I went ahead and touched up Whitman's side poofs while I was in Paint. You're welcome, Meg!)
Worst Week Ever
...No, that's it. It actually is the worst week ever.
Friday, December 5, 2008
The Zimmerman Telegram
A round-up of the week's news with Zach Zimmerman '10.
Weinstein ’09 endorses Weinberg '11 for USG VP
Weinstein’s e-mail marks a severe break in precedent as current USG Presidents normally do not endorse candidates in the upcoming race. He also recently broke with precedent by running naked down the halls of Fine rubbing vegetable oil on his stomach screaming “Don’t spank me, Mommy. I’ve been a good boy!”
Nassons collaborate with Ben Folds
The Nassoons teamed up this week with singer-songwriter-piano-player-god-on-earth Ben Folds. They recorded Fold's song 'Time' for his new album of college a cappella covers. The CDs are expected to fly off the shelves since why listen to Ben Folds sing his own songs when you can hear fifteen skinny college boys sing it without instruments? Too Nassoon?University mourns Mumbai loss
A memorial service was held outside Murray-Dodge Hall on Wednesday in remembrance on the terrorist attacks in Mumbai. In attendance were around seventy students and faculty members, who reflected on the attacks through a candlelight vigil. Two grad students, however, only came because they mistakenly thought there was going to be a candlelight dinner.
Deepika Govind ’10, of the South Asian Students Association, encouraged the audience to fully understand the conflict, saying it “cannot be reduced to a political tug-of-war between two countries.” She did, however, believe the conflict could be well understood as a political potato sack race.
Diemand-Yauman '10 unopposed for USG president
Swastika graffiti found in Rocky
D’Souza and Singer debate God, morality
In summary: Singer: Yes. D’Souza: No.
At the conclusion of the event, moderator and Princeton Professor Eric Gregory declared the winner of the debate to be the very attractive programs. They were printed on really pretty glossy paper.
To Do:
Check out an original student work, We Like to Cross Dress, in the Matthews Acting Studio. Or you can head over to Theatre Intime to catch Sex on a Saturday Night 2. Or if you want to sit through three hours of sort-of knowing what people say, Merchant of Venice is in Whitman. And, of course, if you want to have the best time of your life ever, like EVER, like you will tell your babies about it when you have babies, Quipfire! has shows in Intime at 11 all weekend. Reservations at www.quipfire.com
Worst Week Ever:
It was a bad week for the guy who is supposed to make jokes about Prince articles when the Prince decides to run three front-page stories about the Mumbai terrorist attacks
....Mumbai next week!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Zimmerman Telegram
A round-up of the week's news with Zach Zimmerman '10.
Malkiel and USG talk grading policies
Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel asserted this week that grade deflation has not hurt students’ employment or graduate school opportunities. She mentioned that, this year, the University boasts three Rhodes scholarship winners and that Michael Solis ’07 just won the Mitchell scholarship. She further added that every year since grade deflation began, Princeton has had both a valedictorian and a salutatorian, proving that grade deflation has not hurt students.
What’s in a name?
The Prince’s Editorial Board recommended this week that the Center for African-American Studies change its name to the Center for Race and Ethnicity Studies to better reflect what it actually does. The Board also recommended that The Daily Princetonian change its names to the The Every Weekday Except for Holidays and When We Have Lots of Papers Due Princetonian.
Wu Hall celebrates 25th year with gala
The building’s namesake Gordon Wu ’58 attended a gala held in Wu Hall earlier this week to celebrate its 25th anniversary. Luckily, leftover desserts from the very first Wu Hall dinner 25 years ago were available to be served. Also in attendance was the building's architect Robert Venturi. Ironically, the main course was duck.
Students volunteer at Down syndrome conference
Princeton students performed for and were partnered with children with Down syndrome this weekend at the annual disability awareness event. After the day’s activities, 8-year old Billy said, “The Down Syndrome conference is really just a great opportunity to give back. These poor Princeton students don’t live very full lives, so it’s really nice to come and help them feel like they’re making a difference.”
Orszag ’91 selected to direct Obama’s budget office
President-elect Barack Obama selected the next director of the Office of Management and Budget today, Princeton alumnus Orszag ’91. Disappointed alumni who were considered, but ultimately looked over, included Zdrsikk ’88, Ixsfgra ‘8Q, and Sgwnernfuaepfi ^K3asdas.
Words of Wisdom
Professor Cornel West GS ’80 ended his book tour at Prospect House on Monday by signing copies of his latest book “Hope on a Tightrope.” Due out later this year, his beard is set to publish its memoir entitled “Brother Beard: Growing Down from Greatness.”
Administrators outline projects delayed by downturn
The construction of a satellite art museum near the new arts complex will be delayed as other projects are pushed back and renegotiated because of declining funds. This comes as a major blow to many students who were looking forward to seeing sculptures and drawings of Sputnik.
Global economic crisis puts Aspire, Annual Giving at risk
Aspire and Annual Giving may be facing setbacks due to the global economic climate, although effects may not be visible immediately. In response, the University released a statement this week to alumni saying that the school will persevere and that they just want to wish everyone a happy Thanks (annual) giving!
Try going out the Tuesday night before you need to get on a 7:51 a.m. Dinky to catch a flight and then missing it completely leaving you stranded on campus during Thanksgiving for who knows how long. Now Playing in 135 Gauss.
Worst Week Ever:
It was a bad week for kids in AAS 393, ENG 396, and FRS 109.
…Maybe next week!
Friday, November 21, 2008
The Zimmerman Telegram
A round-up of the week's news with Zach Zimmerman '10.
USG elections process under question
The USG is looking to change its online election system so that officials won’t be able to change votes without leaving a trace. This comes as a major blow to the Elections Officers who have enjoyed rigging votes for the past 10 years.
The University unveiled a new online bill-pay system designed to increase convenience and sustainability. Students are, however, still required to bring two signed copies of their SCORE Course Worksheet to
The Priorities Committee (PriCom) held its annual town hall meeting where financial aid was a major topic of discussion. Not on the agenda was a proposal to consider an alternative abbreviation that does not sound like the fluid that comes out a penis before ejaculation.
The USG continued its efforts to extend Firestone Library hours despite the Executive VP’s assertion that it would be unlikely. However, Dillon Gym hours will be further extended to 24/7 and feature live music every Friday night.
In summary: Get married, then have sex.
Students in Princeton Animal Welfare Society held a human barbecue on the south lawn of Frist holding up “Meat is Murder” signs. Meanwhile, an unrelated student group held up “Stabbing your wife in the back and burying her body in the backyard saying ‘Take that, bitch!’ while licking her blood off your fingers is Murder” signs. Both were accurate.
Lisa Brown ’82 was named Obama’s new staff secretary and Christopher Lu ’88 will serve as his cabinet secretary. Of course, Cottage Club will continue to be on tap this Saturday with the tears of McCain supporters.
Dean of the Graduate School William Russel filed a report asking for more funding since grad students are struggling financially. Beers at the D-bar now cost $2.
The University does not plan to make any decisions regarding allocating more dorms for use by the four-year residential colleges until after a campus-wide survey. Of course, Assistant Vice President for Facilities Klaus has a particular interest in relocating the dorms since he must travel down each of their chimneys annually.
Alumni are pressuring the University to create an Asian-American Students program; however, professors in the African-American Studies program firmly oppose it since what would their acronym be.
The Theatre and Dance Department is staging two Greek tragedies in an event entitled Troy: After and Before. I arrived late so I saw Before before I saw After since I came in after After had finished. So after Before, I went back before Before and saw After. Sorry, that wasn’t a very good
It was a bad week for homeless, freshmen meat-eaters.
....Maybe next week!
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