Friday, March 13, 2009

The Zimmerman Telegram

A round-up of the week's new with Zach Zimmerman '10

Borough charges Shonts '12 in connection with gun scare
Steven Shonts ' 12 was charged this week with posessing an imitation firearm on campus. His charges also included scaring the hell out of a lot of people, not really affecting a lot of other people, and my friend Molly had to pay $.10 for that "goddamn text message."

Luckily though, in the end, no Shonts were fired.

After 80-minute delay, U. alerts campus to gun threat
The amount of time between the first report of the weapon and when the text message was sent clocks in at about eighty minutes, and has come under heavy criticism from the University community. I won't try to offer a theory on the delay, but I will say that eighty minutes is also the prep time for these deliciously indulgent butter tarts.

I'll let you connect the dots.

Wilson School accepts 90 of roughly 160 applicants
The Wilson School handed down its decisions for the sophomore class this week, causing heartaches and headaches. The application exists "because there were not enough resources to provide enough [support] for the number of applicants," Professor Stanley Katz said. "That fountain is only so big - and if we want every student to be able to dip their toes in come thesis time, we have to limit admission."

Senior class selects three finalists for YAT
Elizabeth Dilday, Maria Salciccioli and Josh Weinstein were announced Monday as the three finalists in a senior class competition for a new yacht. The decision to give a yacht to an undergraduate comes as one of the recommendations of the Alcohol Coalition Committee, so Dean Malkeil released a statement, "Gagglydee-dooo dah hah haHA! Weeeeddddlllupopo."
In case you couldn't tell, the yacht can only be sailed in a stream of consciousness.

GS recruiters cast wide net
The Graduate School cast a wide net for applications this year, but have been facing some difficulties. So Jesus told the School, "Cast the net to the right side of the boat, and you will find some." So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in because there were so many graduate student applications.

Losing laptops in lecture
A handful of Princeton professors ban laptop use during lecture in order to limit distraction and engage their audience. Finding a loophole in the restriction, Bill Student '10 has been bringing his desktop to class for years. "Suck on this one, Rosen! Oww - oh - hachacha. My back! Oh god! I think this is the big one-agh!"

Budget cuts won't affect Reunions '09
While budget cuts won't affect cost or size of Reunions this year, the overall economic situation in the US will likely result in an increased level of shittardedness at the event.

USG members sign new code of ethics
The USG signed a new code of ethics this week that formalizes conduct during meetings, but does not include a clause regarding the president endorsing candidates. Despite the lack of a formal restriction, current USG President Diemand-Yauman said, “You guys couldn’t pay me enough to endorse a candidate." He will however accept bribes, such as getting him out of his legal trouble with the Borough, putting 1,00 fake signatures on, or baking him up a batch of delicioulsy indulgent butter tarts.

Black in the Orangle Bubble
A very complex and nuanced racial experience was reduced to a pun this week. Next week, expect such stirring exposes as "Marriage debate tied in a knot" and "UndeRAGE drinking"

Worst Week Ever
It was a really bad week for the kid with an Advent Calendar for Campus Club's opening.


Roscoe said...

thanks for the laugh zach, i was having a burdensome day.

Anonymous said...


You're hilarious!

Jackie said...

"no Shonts were fired"--comedy gold. Excellent reporting, Zimmerman.

Ben Chen said...


Meg Byrne said...

Ah, I was just beginning to miss these, Zach.