What’s the best kind of lube to use?
Well, I can’t say that I’m an authority on the best lube, but I can tell you what I like and what I don’t like. Of course, when I finally discovered the necessity of lube (SO necessary), I went for the classics: KY Jelly and Astroglide. I found Astroglide to be ok, but I didn’t really know what made a lube “good” or not, and whenever it got on larger parts of my body it dried into a crust…not cute. So I tried Durex Play Massage, which claims to be a 2-in-1 massage gel and lubricant, and it was better in terms of crusting, but didn’t last quite as long. In all of these cases, handjob to blowjob action was unpleasant because they taste really bad. Once the lube was applied somewhere, fate was locked in...no one’s mouth was going anywhere near it. That summer, an older coworker of mine mentioned how much she hated Astroglide and how superior silicone lubes were to water-based. So my next purchase was Pjur Original Bodyglide, and except for a switch to a slightly different formula (Eros Light Love) I haven’t bought anything else since. It stays nice and slippery for a long time, it doesn’t crust or get sticky, it’s good quality, and one bottle lasts you a while. But remember, don’t use silicone-based lube with silicone sex toys… it can break down the material. If for some reason you’d prefer water based lube, be considerate and pick a glycerin-free formula: sugars feed yeast, and more yeast means yeast infections! Don’t feel confined to the sad CVS selection, the internet is full of lubricants to explore!
Hi SATS,
I was wondering about poppers, or nitrates being used for a head rush during orgasm. I've done a bit of searching online, and have found some references of their use in gay culture, but would this stuff help a girl get off? I'm not sure if I'm ready to do anal just yet, and was also wondering if this, or anything else (besides lube) would be good to keep around in case I want to experiment.
Inn Experimentation, PU Shy Hottie
“Poppers” are used recreationally predominantly by gay men, but also by straight men and women as well to get high or for the sexually pleasurable effects they can bring. Alkyl nitrites relax your muscles (such as those surrounding the anus and vagina) causing your blood vessels to dilate and your blood pressure to drop quickly. Your heart rate increases, and feelings of euphoria or “head rush” may occur (but it only lasts a few minutes). Both men and women report that the use of this drug is pleasurable, but some men have experienced a loss of erection after using nitrites. Sounds pretty good for the most part, right? Well, recreational use of the drug is illegal, so they are sold often as liquid incense or liquid aroma under sketchy, euphemistic names. Of course, I’m not going to encourage you to do anything illegal, especially just to “get off”, when there are plenty of legal ways to get yours. Also, as with anything, there are possible negative side effects such as nausea, vomiting, dizziness, the feeling of falling or spinning, rashes around the mouth and nose, and a weakening of your immune system for a few days after use. If combined with other drugs (especially ecstasy, cocaine, or Viagra), nitrites can be very dangerous or even fatal. While most of these side effects are rare, they are still to be considered. So to answer your first question, yes, women may find use of nitrates pleasurable as well as men, but it is not without risk.
As for your second inquiry, if you are not ready to try anal sex yet, then don’t worry about it. I would say it’s a pretty bad idea to keep nitrites around “just in case” you want to try anal sex in the future. Ignoring the legality, I feel that it is always better to try something like that (i.e. anal sex) in your right state of mind. In a euphoric, unusually relaxed state, you’re likely to go farther than you normally would or even should. That can mean pushing the limits of your body past what is safe and can result in injury. Plus, you don’t want to become reliant on a drug just to enjoy a sexual experience. If you really want to experiment, start out small. First try a pinky, then maybe an index finger or other finger of your choice. See how it feels. You may not even like it, and think about how much less you would enjoy a whole penis up there! if you’d like, move on to small/beginner anal toys that you can use on your terms in your own time. If you can relax yourself, and thus your own muscles, by being comfortable with yourself, your partner, and the situation, there should be no need for the use of extreme chemical intervention. If you are REALLY looking for something that will do some of the relaxing for you, Pjur makes 2 products, Analyse Me and Back Door intended to desensitize and relax the anal sphincter for anal sex. But again, if you’re not ready, don’t worry about it: you have many, many years of sex left to experiment with these things.
If you have a question to ask me about sex and/or relationships, send me an email at SexandtheStreet@gmail.com or leave a comment (anonymous, if you wish!). All questions will be kept strictly confidential so don't be shy!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Slippery Topics
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Making It Fun Again!
I love my girlfriend, but the sex is getting kind of boring. It always happens the same way: kissing, then touching, then we spend a little time giving oral to each other, and then we have sex in missionary and/or doggy. She’s pretty good at it, and she seems to enjoy what I’m doing too, but it’s just so predictable! I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What can I/we do?
Well there are some really easy ways to spice things up without even actually changing the sexual elements much, such as changing location or introducing some role play into your sex lives. Even though the progression of things sexually may be pretty much identical, the situations bring something new. This would be especially true if you choose a more public location, which can add the exhilarating possibility of being caught. Roleplay makes things a lot more fun, and very little costuming is needed to make things exciting. Some of my favorites are Professor and Overachiever-Who-Wants-an-A-and-is-Willing-to-do-Whatever-it-Takes, Boss and Employee-Who-Wants-a-Raise, Cop and Person-Who-Doesn’t-Want-A-Speeding-Ticket, and strangely enough, Repairman and Housewife. Don’t feel as though you need to follow traditional gender roles with these things either, sometimes that makes things even more fun!
As for the sex itself, that doesn’t have to be difficult either. About why you’re in this position in the first place, I think that at least in part sex “ruts” are always related to a feeling that since you’ve found what works there’s no need to experiment, and being afraid that if you try something new it won’t work, and maybe the mood will be ruined or orgasm will be delayed or prevented. The first step then, is to stop focusing on orgasm as the end result of your sexual encounters. Create an environment and an understanding between the two of you that it’s ok to not have an orgasm sometimes and it shouldn’t be taken personally if the other person doesn’t cum every once in a while. Much of the fun in sex is experimenting and trying new things and in order to find the things you like, you have to try out some things that you may not like.
It sounds to me as if she doesn’t have very many hang ups about sex, so you’re in a pretty good position to make changes. One easy way to jumpstart things is to simply talk to each other about your fantasies or ideal sexual encounters…in detail. If there’s something you want to try, tell her! Chances are, unless it’s totally outrageous, she’ll be willing to try. Browsing an adult toy shop together is a non-threatening way to find new things to introduce into your sex lives as well. There are also tons of books on the market for the couple searching for new things to do in the bedroom. Basically, you two need to talk, and make sex more about exploration than about making sure you come so a certain end. Make the search for new things fun, and don’t be afraid to try some things even if you aren’t sure that you’ll like it. I never thought that I’d be very interested in spanking, but I gave it a chance and done right…it can be amazing. You never know what you’ll learn about each other, so just make that effort and you won’t be sorry!
What are some of your favorite bedroom accessories? What’s in your “goody drawer”?
Ohh the things I have ordered online and opened in private, leaving my mother (rightfully) clueless…so very many things….
Well, as for bedroom accessories, my current favorite is my Liberator Wedge. I told my mom that it was a “pillow”. Basically, it’s a sturdy foam wedge that you can use in order to change the angle of your body during sex play and make previously impossible or tiring positions comfortable and fun. For example, the Wedge is supposed to elevate a woman’s pelvis in such a way that when she’s bent over it, the man’s penis is more likely to hit her g-spot. A favorite use of mine is to put it under a guy’s knees while we’re in the Cowgirl position, because I can be closer to him and it gives him better leverage for thrusting, whereas without that leg support, thrusting is pretty difficult. I’ve tried the Ramp, and it’s pretty awesome as well. Another one of my favorites is a Cuff and Tether Set, which isn’t really mine but it’s currently in my room so I think of it as mine sometimes. (Don’t worry, the owner is the only one who gets to use it with me!) But anyway, while silk scarves and headbands will do the trick, there’s something to be said for a readily available Velcro cuff that’s conveniently attached to your bedpost.
But if there’s only one thing (that’s not battery operated) that I think everyone should have in his/her goody drawer, it’s a blindfold. Obviously this something that can be made easily from stuff found in your room, or can be passed off as a sleep mask, but seriously, it’s great. Even if you’re used to closing your eyes during certain parts of foreplay or oral sex, nothing can compare to knowing that even if you wanted to open your eyes, you wouldn’t be able to see what’s being done to you. It really adds an extra bit of excitement to just about everything.
As for battery-operated devices, I have 3 in my possession, but I only use one and while it gets the job done, I’m not in love with it. Alas, the search continues….
If you have a question to ask me about sex and/or relationships, send me an email at SexandtheStreet@gmail.com or leave a comment (anonymous, if you wish!). All questions will be kept strictly confidential so don't be shy!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Yee Haw!
Welcome to the first "real" post for SATS this year! Thanks to those who've sent their questions in, and keep them coming! Now, let's get down to business....
Can we see some photos please?
Of me? Well, the picture to the left is me, but as for more photos, that’ll have to be a negative. Isn’t everything sexier with a little mystery? ;)
My bf wants me to get on top during sex, but I feel awkward “up there”. Any tips?
Surprisingly, many women feel this kind of “performance anxiety” while in the Cowgirl or Reverse Cowgirl positions. Unlike the Missionary position, you have to take a more active, dominant role and for some, that can be intimidating. In my experience, pretty much all men love it when a woman just crawls on top and takes charge of the situation, and I’d say that it’s pretty difficult to fuck it up (no pun intended). Remember, your boyfriend wants you to do this, so you’re already halfway there. Just relax and get in a sexy mindset. Embrace the amount of control you’ve been given, and look at him as though you’re about to give him the ride of his life. Chances are, he finds you very attractive and quite sexy, so let go of any insecurities you have about what you look like from that angle and just give it to him! Start off with a gentle back and forth motion with your hips, and use your hands to explore his chest or play with his nipples if he likes that. Don’t jump up and down like a frog, it’s one of those things from porn that looks better than it actually feels. When you’re more comfortable, try sinking down and rolling your hips in circles to give him a different sensation. Most importantly, have fun with yourself. Play with your breasts, or rub your clit…give him a show to watch! Just take a chance. If something feels uncomfortable for him or turns him off, he’ll likely let you know, but 99% of the time, if you’re enjoying yourself up there, so will he.
I’ve been dating this girl for about 3 months, and we’ve been having sex for about 2 months pretty regularly. I like her, but she’s a bit of a “dead fish” in bed. At first I thought that it was just because things were new and she wasn’t totally comfortable yet, but now it looks like there’s no sign of change. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, and sometimes it’s hard to even stay aroused because she’s so unenthusiastic. What, if anything, can I do?
The heartless bitch inside of me wants to say “dump her”, but I know that that is probably not the answer you were looking for. Honestly though, sexual incompatibility is a big deal. If you are unsatisfied with your sexual relationship, over time the resentment and frustration can eat away at the other parts of the relationship, and that’s never good. That being said, no one goes into a relationship knowing exactly what the other person wants or needs sexually, so don’t expect her to be able to read your mind. It’s important for couples to be able to tell each other what they want in an honest but pressure free manner.
Now to ponder, what’s with the Dead Fish Syndrome? Well, there are a couple of possibilities that come to mind: 1) she was brought up to think of sex as a dirty or shameful act, and is uncomfortable with the fact that she’s even having sex at all, 2) she is insecure about her body or her abilities to please you, so she just opts out and lets you do all the work, or 3) she really isn’t enjoying it, so she’s just letting you get yours. I’m hoping it’s either #2 or 3 for your sake, because #1 cannot be fixed by anyone but her (and perhaps a therapist). If you are at all serious about continuing in this relationship, I encourage you to have an honest conversation with her. Don’t talk during or directly after a sexual encounter; pick a time and place where you two can be relaxed and away from nosy ears. At first, approach the situation as if the problem is #3. Ask her if she is satisfied with your sex life and if there is anything else that you can do in order to better please her. If she offers you suggestions, take them! Odds are though, she’ll say no, to which you can reply, “Ok, that’s good. But I’ve noticed that while we’re having sex, you don’t seem very into it, and it makes it hard for me to enjoy myself when it looks as though you’re indifferent to what’s going on.” Hopefully, that will produce some useful dialogue, but if she appears to be shutting down, don’t pressure her and just let it go for the moment. If you think it’s more likely that she is insecure about herself or her abilities, make an effort to help her feel as beautiful an wonderful as you think she is. Assuring her that she’s attractive and sexy to you or otherwise giving her genuine compliments before, during, and after sex may boost her confidence enough to make her feel better about taking a more active role. However, as I said earlier, if things don’t seem like they will be making a change for the better, have an honest conversation with yourself about whether you can handle this lack of sexual satisfaction or not.
If you have a question to ask me about sex and/or relationships, send me an email at SexandtheStreet@gmail.com or leave a comment (anonymous, if you wish!). All questions will be kept strictly confidential so don't be shy!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I've Shown You Mine, Now Show Me Yours!
'Twas a hot and crazy summer, but Sex and the Street is back and this time, I'm doing things a bit differently. While I loved sharing my own stories and experiences with you, what really interests me is what's going on out there in dorm rooms and secluded taproom corners campuswide. It's hard to find a place where one can ask questions about sex, hooking up, and relationships and get answers beyond what your mom or sex ed teacher would provide. I think that the best and most useful kind of sex and relationship advice is uncensored, informal, and honest: the kind your sex-obsessed best friend would give you. Think of me as that friend. Need help picking a vibrator that's right for you? Stuck in a missionary rut with your partner? Concerned about the size of your penis? Ask me! Send your questions to SexandtheStreet@gmail.com or leave a comment here. Everything will be kept strictly confidential, so feel free to ask me the things that you would never even dream of asking your friends. I look forward to reading your questions!
- Miss SATS
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Slipping Through the Back Door: Anal Play for the Squeamish
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Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Sex and the Street: Achieving success downtown, and why I can never look a honey-bear straight in the eye.
In my senior year of high school, I began dating a boy named Chris* who I had been pretty close friends with throughout the years, and due to a strange mix of dares and – let’s face it – convenience, we ended up together. He was my first “real” boyfriend, and up to that point the only experience I’d ever had with guys had been a little kissing now and then. I had major issues with insecurity and my body, and had been afraid to show myself to anyone, but he was a good friend so it made things a bit easier. In true high school fashion, most of our hookups took place in the backseat of his Prius. Yes, a Prius’ backseat is incredibly tiny, especially considering his 6’ 4’’ frame, and yes, it was uncomfortable at best. Contrary to what my prior innocence would’ve predicted, we zoomed through the “bases” in no time. Nothing we’d been doing had been particularly pleasurable to me, so the logical progression seemed to be to oral sex. In terms of giving, I was nervous, but also pretty sure that it couldn’t be THAT hard (no pun intended), so I just went for it. In terms of receiving, I had my hang ups. I wasn’t sure my vagina was ready to be greeted so up close and personally. Of course I was worried about if it would look weird, smell weird, taste weird….I had always been insecure about the normal things, like my stomach and my thighs, and now I had a new part of my body to worry about. Unwilling to face this step unprotected, I came up with the genius idea of incorporating food into our sex life. Chocolate sauce? Too runny. Whipped cream? Too fluffy. My pussy’s topping of choice? Honey. It was late at night when we decided to try this out, and we both walked into a grocery store, in search of a cute little plastic bear to violate. We thought the cashiers were onto us. We quickly drove to a secluded spot where we liked to hook up, and he drizzled it on. “Mmm tasty,” he told me, and I tried to relax in that tiny backseat and enjoy. For the majority of our relationship, I would not let him go down on me without that honey bear present. More than 3 years later, I still can’t look at bottles of honey the same way.
Fortunately one day, we forgot the honey bear, and he said, “it’s ok, I’ll still do it.” I was a little afraid, but he didn’t really seem to mind, so I decided to just let it go. At the time I didn’t know that it was a terrible idea to put honey there in the first place, and I’m just glad I didn’t get any weird irritations from it all. Today, I laugh at how absolutely ridiculous the whole situation was, but I’m sure I felt the same way that a lot of girls have felt or feel about receiving. I don’t have any real statistics on this, but I’d say that if you ever meet a girl who “doesn’t like” receiving oral sex, there’s a 98% chance that she has vaginal insecurities, with the other 2% just having unfortunate experiences with clueless men. Growing up I’d always heard jokes about vaginas smelling like fish, or otherwise being particularly unpleasant. Once, a male friend of mine told me that he had pretended to choke on something to get out of eating a girl out once because it smelled so bad. I was TERRIFIED to be smelly-pussy-girl. Finally, half a bottle of honey, countless pairs of sticky underwear, and zero (ZERO!) orgasms later, I realized that this was no way to live.
Since then, I’ve let go of my pussy anxiety. With one recent and terribly upsetting exception (“where I come from, we just don’t do that!”), I’ve never met a man who wouldn’t go down on me, and thank God, because I enjoy (good) oral sex endlessly, mainly because it’s the only way a man can get me off without technological interference. Pussy smells like pussy, and that’s just how it is. And for all of the shit I’ve heard in music and in life about men’s aversion to it, in my experience, the majority of guys don’t mind going downtown every now and then. Adam once assured me, “well I wouldn’t, like, want to smell it all day long, but, it ain’t half bad.” Perhaps all of this talk about taste and smell is masking the real reason why I think that some men are averse to cunnilingus: because many of them don’t really know what they’re doing down there.
Sitting around the table for a meal yesterday, I asked my friends, “so, oral sex. How good are you at it?” The overwhelming answer from the men was, “I have no idea, but if I had to guess, pretty mediocre.” I felt sad for women everywhere; if this is the answer I was getting in public, I shudder at the thought of what was REALLY going on down there. “I just kind of get down there and hope it works,” one friend admitted. “You can never tell,” another explained, “you don’t know whether they actually like it, or if they are faking.” Faking orgasms, particularly during oral sex, seems to be an eternal sore spot for men. Upon admitting to a group of male friends that I’d once merely thought of faking an orgasm during oral sex, but didn’t, one yelled out, “You are a horrible person if you fake an orgasm while a guy is going down on you. That is the WORST thing you can do to a guy.” While that may be a bit of an exaggeration, it’s true, guys like it when girls actually get off. That’s kind of the point, right? So as a bit of advice to everyone, male or female, faking orgasms is a no-no. If you fake it, they’ll never learn. Well, “duh,” you might say, but faking orgasms is not as uncommon, even on this campus, as you may think. When I took a survey for a psych major’s thesis about faking orgasms, with the exception of me, all of the sexually active Princeton women she’d surveyed up to that point had faked orgasms with their partners.
I could go on and on about how faking orgasms is a terrible practice which ultimately results in bad habit formation and thus, fewer actual orgasms, but that’s another post. My friends for whom I decided to write this post may be disappointed, because I think they were looking for technical tips, but they can find that with a simple Google search. What I will say to the men out there is that when I’ve asked my girl friends what they like, they say the same unsurprising, but still important, things: softer strokes in the beginning, varying movements, directions, and tongue coverage (flat and wide versus pointy, etc), but most important is persistence and a good mindset. The best oral sex I’ve received has been from men who did not necessarily have a lot of experience, but who had expressly asked me to tell them what I liked or I didn’t like, and who (within reason) were willing to stick it out. Good oral sex flows not from expertise, but from an attitude. That is not to say that the most well-intentioned novice will instantly be able to make women cum left and right, but without the right attitude, it’s hard to be good at anything, really. When I’m going down on my boyfriend, my train of thought goes something like this: “I’m about to drive you insane, and you are going to fucking love this.” I would hope for both of our sakes that the man between my legs is thinking something similar. And sure, going downtown isn’t everyone’s favorite pastime (though for some, bless them, it is), but while you’re there, you might as well enjoy it. I don’t know everything about the art of masterful cunnilingus, but I know what feels good, and I remain dedicated to my research. ;)
* Name has been changed
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Sex and the Street: An Introduction
Who am I? I’m just an ordinary girl with an extraordinary preoccupation with sex. I’m not Sexpert, and I’m no Carrie Bradshaw – or even a Lena Chen. I’m a
I wanted to write this blog because I feel that sex is an important part of our lives. Whether you’re having sex, hoping for sex, or even trying not to have sex, it’s something we all think about, and yet many of us feel terribly uncomfortable discussing sex and sexual politics in any real, honest way. If there’s anything a person should be comfortable with, it’s talking about sex and sexuality, because it’s so fundamental to social life, especially in college. Americans are so uptight when it comes to sex, and yet we have the highest rate of unwanted teen pregnancy in the developed world. Clearly something is not working. It’s time to stop focusing on how to stop people from having sex and start facing reality: sex happens. It happens in relationships, out of relationships, in triangles, in squares…everywhere. As a young woman (or really, young person), I find it so hard to find any non-clichéd and realistic information about sex and relationships as they actually occur. This blog is my attempt to fill that void on campus.
That being said, it seems only logical to start from the beginning….
I love premarital sex. It sounds so naughty with that extra “premarital” in there, doesn’t it? Sex is not something that you just DO and it’s amazing. I remember, if only vaguely, losing my virginity sophomore year. Well, I could actually tell you the exact date and time (September 30th, 3:05 pm), as my ex Adam* vowed to keep this information fresh in his mind at all times, even once writing it on the outside of a Valentine’s Day gift as wrapping paper decoration. I expected it to hurt, and it did. I didn’t expect to be so sad afterward. It wasn’t because I had been expecting to enjoy it, or because it hurt, or even that I’d done it with the wrong person. I was sad because a large portion of my life previously had been defined by my virginity. I used my virginity as a way to assure people that I wasn’t a slut. I used it as a moral stepping stone over whoever I was talking to. “Oh, you’re a virgin too? Well, I’ve never hooked up with a guy I’d just met out at the Street.” I, like the rest of society, placed this magical value on virginity, of being unpenetrated, of being unsullied. I rolled away from Adam and remained silent. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “I don’t know….” I replied.
I’d spent so much time being a virgin, so much time talking about sex incessantly and claiming to be so sexually open and yet, still maintaining some higher, holier-than-thou sense of purity that really only functioned to attract men more. I felt as if my title, my social status, one of the key lenses through which I saw myself had been taken away from me in a matter of minutes, and there was no going back. I could no longer say, “yes, but, I’ve never had sex” again, and for some reason that bothered me. Sound like a depressing account of a girl who’s had sex too soon? Absolutely not. Any change that occurs in life, good or bad, can send you into a tailspin. Questions of identity are bound to arise, and that’s hard to deal with, if even for a moment. I did lose something that afternoon, but it’s not something I want back. For so long, I thought that sex, or rather, not having sex was so important, and coming out on the other side, I realized, it wasn’t nearly as dear to me as I once believed. I made the mistake of defining myself as A Virgin instead of just adding it to the list of the many temporary parts of my identity.
Feeding into society’s hypocritical hype about casual sex and meaningful sex, the emotional damage it can do and the pleasure it can bring, I expected WAY too much from the experience. My thought afterward was, “That’s it? This is what people have been agonizing over and arguing about for centuries?” I could only imagine my disappointment on my honeymoon night, dressed in Victoria’s Secret’s brightest and whitest, full of rehearsed clichés (“I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long…”), so excited to “give myself” to my new husband, only to find out that he’s awful in bed, and it’s not the magical union I was told it would be. Of course I want the sex on my wedding night to be special. I’ve been told that it should be for all my life. I also want it to be good, and let’s be honest, first time sex is often uncomfortable at best. You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it, and cars rarely make it through a decade, why the hell wouldn’t you test-fuck your possible life partner?
It should be clear by now that I think of this blog as a way to (hopefully) serve the open-minded and curious (regardless of personal experiece) of Princeton, and of course in ways, battle with those who spread the lie that by choosing to do what I want with my body, I am immoral, disrespecting myself, disrespecting my future husband, or ruining my ability to truly love someone. In (brief) response, I have this to say:
*Name has been changed
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