Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Zimmerman Telegram

A round-up of the week's news with Zach Zimmerman '10

Orange and blacked out
In the next installment in a series involving staged photos, terrible puns on "Orange and Black" (see "Black in the Orange Bubble"), and the reduction of a complicated issue to a 500-word article, the Princetonian tackled underage drinking this week. Orange you glad the Prince didn't make a shitty pun about orange and black?

Oh, wait, they did.

Admissions rate sparked heated debate online
Anonymous alums and punny people like "obvious" and "Hi, Mom!" got their undies in a bundle this week about the Admission Office's annual April decisions. After some intense investigative journalism, however, I find out why people were really upset about the 9.79% admissions rate: here.

Important New Change for the Class of 2013
Recognizing the unlucky nature of the class year for incoming freshmen, President Shirley Tilghman announced on Tuesday a bold change. "Just as skyscrapers don't have a 13th floor, and airplanes don't have a 13th row," she wrote, "neither will Princeton have a class of '13." When asked what how the University will differentiate between the '13-turned-'14s and the following year's '14s, she sternly replied, "In this economic situation, we're taking it one day at a time. So hold your horses, Zacho. Don't get your undies in a bundle."

"Tweeting" Tigers
More and more students and professors are using Twitter, so more and more Prince articles are being puvlished that reference one or two tweets. Center for Information Technology Policy associate director David Robinson ’04 provided some brilliant insight into whether professors should be allowed to use the service. “Obviously," he began, "if professors want to use Twitter or blogging or Morse code, the University should be totally fine with that. Even the staff who speak for the University as a whole should have room to experiment.”

Two questions:
1) Who the fuck uses Morse Code? What is this - the Pelican Brief?
2) Also: "experiment"? It's a networking website, not an unexpected encounter with someone outside of one's normal sexual population that may or may not end badly.

The Self-Thesis
The Street section, this week, took a look at students who write their theses on topics right under their nose...well, if there was a mirror under their nose so they could see themselves. Of course, if there's a mirror under your nose, I don't think writing your thesis is high up on your to-do list.

The titles of these theses (wordplay!) include "What I did Over my Summer Vacation" and "Thesis, my Ass!: The Gripping Tale of One Man's Asscheek against the World."

Worst Week Ever
It was a bad week for.... the guy who took this picture. Because he's about to get beat down.

1) Why is this guy (we'll call him Ralph) pouring a drink on top of the course guide? It looks like Ralph's already spilled some, and no one ever spills alcohol. Especially on the course guide.
2) A green sweater? It's mid-spring and it is too nice to be wearing long sleeves. Ralph knows better.
3) Microeconomic theory? Really? Everyone knows Ralph is an English major.
4) Where the fuck did he get that short glass from? The only glasses people use to drink are stolen from Whitman dining hall.
5) What's lurking in that upper right-hand corner of the shot? The all-knowing eye of God? The scornful stare of Public Safety? The enormous eyes of T.J. Eckleburg? Only a poorly positioned light source knows the answer.


Anonymous said...

hilarious keep it up zz