Sunday, October 4, 2009

Zimmerman Telegram: Bring me a shrubbery

The Zimmerman Telegram

A round-up of the week's news with Zach Zimmerman

Kindles yet to woo University users

As part of a new sustainability pilot program, the University provided students in three courses with Kindles in order to complete their reading; however, early student reactions appear to be lukewarm. “Not to be a downer, but I’m really not a big fan of the Kindle,” said Bob Student ’10. “I much prefer some dried shrubs or small branches when I start a fire. So I really find it odd the University is providing an expensive piece of technology for me to warm my baked beans.” After several electrical sparks came from the device, Bob Student ’10 let out a heartfelt “Yippe-kay-yeah!” After learning he would have to return the Kindle at the end of the semester, however, Bob was noticeably silent, and offered the following insight: “Shit.”

U. announces members of eating club task force

Seven undergraduates were chosen this week to serve on a task force to examine the relationship between the University and the eating clubs. The undergraduates represent a diverse range of students, coming from sign-in clubs, Bicker clubs and four-year colleges. Luckily, however, no seniors were selected. I mean, really, what would someone who has been at the University three years, eaten in an eating club for more than two weeks and might even be an officer of an eating club have to add to a task force on University-eating club relations? Nothing. Exactly.

Turkish prime minister talks of a new world order

In a recent visit to campus, Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan spoke to students and faculty regarding the creation of a new world order. “McMahon has taken this company down the wrong road, and it’s time for a war,” the prime minister announced. “Macho Man Randy Savage wants the shake things up? We’ll shake things up! I challenge McMahon to choose his three best wrestlers for a battle-to-the-death match next Wednesday on pay-per-view. We’ll show him what rough really is!” The Prime Minster was then escorted out of Richardson Auditorium by two women dressed in bikinis. “AAGGGGGGGAGAHHHHHHHHHH,” he added.

Where have the ‘Big Figures’ gone?

The modern art piece ‘Big Figures’ was removed from in front of the Art Museum earlier this summer and returned to the Fishers, who had loaned the piece to the University. Of course, as President Tilghman’s most recent campus-wide e-mail reveals, those were not the only Big Figures that have left Princeton.

Cafe Viv cuts hours

Cafe Vivian has reduced its hours this year in an attempt to cut costs and respond to student demand. This reduces the number of places on campus where a student can buy a four-bite pizza at midnight for six friggin’ dollars to zero. Also, the number of salad bars with unusable, wooden tongs has been reduced to zero, and the number of super weird energy drinks when all you want is a goddamn Coke has been reduced to zero.

USG sends professors letter on grading

The USG recently sent a letter on grade deflation to all members of the Princeton faculty. The letter is reproduced below:

Worst week ever

It was a really bad week for Kate Siegel. She got the swine. I LOVE YOU!

--- Zach Zimmerman


FunnyJoke said...

Super funny zach! WWE -- HAHAHA! you slay me! Keep it comin buddy!

Anonymous said...

very funny.

but one comment, lingzi gui '10 is on the alcohol task force.

Anonymous said...

Lingzi sounds like Linguini.

Also, those wooden tongs are really ridiculous.